Stop Believing Everything You Think: 10 Thinking Traps That Block Fluency & How to Escape Them!

I have struggled with depression off and on for my entire adult life. If you’ve ever been severely depressed, you know just how hopeless and meaningless life can feel during your dark periods. And you know how difficult it can be to accomplish even the simplest of tasks, let alone learning a foreign language!

Fortunately, I have never lost the will to live while depressed, but I have certainly lost the will to do just about everything else. When depression hits, I binge watch TV, eat junk, and sleep for much of the day. I stop seeing people. I stop writing. And yes, I stop practicing my target languages.

The depression usually passes after a few days and then I am back to my normal, happy, productive self.

So what causes these dark periods? And is there a way to avoid (or at least mitigate) these downward spirals?

We humans tend to search for causes of our problems “out there” somewhere. I was no different.

Until recently, I thought that my depression was a result of:

• Genetic factors: Others in my family suffer from depression, too, so I thought “it must be in my genes!” When dark moods arrived, I was quick to cast blame on predetermined genetic factors outside my control.

• My environment: As I moved around the globe and United States, I found myself blaming where I lived as the primary cause of my depression, with thoughts ranging from “this place is too hot,” to “this place is too cold,” to “this is place is too far from friends and family,” to “this place is too close to the cacophony of other people,” and on and on it went, ad nauseam. When I decided to move to a new place, I’d feel better for a little while, but would inevitably start finding fault with the new locale after a few months, and yearn to escape to a more “perfect” place yet again.

• The food I ate: Based on what I’d learned in my functional nutrition training, I assumed that my depressed states must have been caused—or at least exacerbated by—what I had eaten, what I had not eaten, a lack of certain vitamins or minerals, or how much alcohol I’d had.

While such physical and external factors certainly can contribute to how one feels and how well one’s nervous system functions, we now know—thanks in large part to the field of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)—that the primary cause of depression is actually internal.

It may sound too simple to be true, but the truth is that the biggest driver of anxiety and depression is not what’s happening around us, but rather the thoughts bouncing around inside our heads.

Skeptical? Good. I didn’t believe it at first either. But with enough time and experimentation, I’ve come to appreciate that my lowest, most hopeless states have all been fueled by cognitive distortions: insidious, sneaky, self-defeating thought patterns that twisted reality and made me miserable.

The good news is that you can learn to spot these distortions and talk back to them before they set up permanent residence in your brain.

CBT therapist Dr. David Burns explains it beautifully in his book Feeling Good:

“The problem isn’t you—it’s the crazy lenses you’re wearing. A sense of worthlessness is created by your internal self-critical dialogue… To overcome this bad mental habit, three steps are necessary:
(A) Recognize and write down the self-critical thoughts as they occur.
(B) Learn why these thoughts are distorted.
(C) Practice talking back to them so you can develop a more realistic self-evaluation.”

When you get good at this skill, the payoff is huge:

• More motivation.

• More effectiveness.

• More joy.

And the opposite is also true: cling to your distortions, and you’ll feel stuck, unmotivated, and convinced nothing will ever change.

Below are ten of the most common cognitive distortions, examples of each in the language learning context, and how to dismantle them before they dismantle you.

1. All-or-Nothing Thinking

Also called "black-and-white thinking," this is the foundation of perfectionism. You believe that you're either a total success or an absolute failure. You see no middle ground and allow no gray areas.

Example:

“Dammit! I committed myself to study Japanese every single day no matter what. But I got really busy and failed to get in my daily dose of language study. Now I’m a total failure. Ahh, f*ck it! I’m just too undisciplined and will never get fluent. Why even bother continuing?”

What to do instead:

• Recognize that ALL progress counts.

• Do your best with the energy you have today.

• If you slip up, keep going—the only real failure is quitting.

2. Overgeneralization

When the “overgeneralization” distortion takes control of your thinking, you see an isolated incident as proof of a widespread, never-ending problem.

Example:

“Ugh, I always use the wrong Japanese particles. Why can’t I just remember them already?! I’m so stupid.”

The tell-tale words to look for in this distortion are “always” and “never.”

Sure, you might make a certain mistake sometimes, or even often, but do you really do it every single time? And even if you have so far, you won’t keep making the mistake forever.

What to do instead:

• Watch for words like always and never.

• Recognize that repeated mistakes are a necessary part of learning that we all must go through.

• Realize that making a single mistake today doesn't mean that you always will.

3. Mental Filter

When activated, the “mental filter” distortion takes a tiny negative detail and unfairly paints the entire situation with doom and gloom. It’s like wearing a pair of tinted glasses that change the color of everything you see. You become unable to notice the many positives right in front of your face.

Example:

“Japanese is the hardest language in the world! Everything about it is so different from English.”

What to do instead:

1. Remind yourself that there are many ways in which Japanese is relatively easy compared with other languages, and that you have a huge head start in vocabulary with the numerous English loan words.

2. Recall that different is not synonymous with difficult. And that the language will become more and more familiar and intuitive as you practice.

4. Disqualifying the Positive

The “disqualifying the positive” distortion goes one step further from the negative mental filter. Instead of just ignoring positives, this distortion actively transforms them into negatives.

Dr. David Burns calls this “reverse alchemy”: unlike medieval alchemists who tried to change lead to gold, the depressed or anxious individual goes the opposite direction, transforming golden experiences into lead.

Example:

If someone compliments your Japanese, you might say to yourself:

“Oh, they are just being nice to make me feel good. Japanese people praise learners even if they just say ‘Kon-nichi-wa.’ The compliment is therefore meaningless and doesn’t prove anything.”

What to do instead:

• Take an honest account of all that you have accomplished so far in your Japanese journey.

• Recognize that all progress counts, no matter how small the steps may be.

• Assume compliments are genuine unless proven otherwise.

5. Jumping to Conclusions

The “jumping to conclusions” distortion manifests as negative assumptions without real evidence. It comes in two flavors, mind reading and fortune telling.

Mind Reading

In this cognitive distortion, you assume you have psychic powers which allow you to read other people’s minds.

Example:

“My Japanese is always so slow, broken, and labored. My tutor must absolutely hate hearing me speak!”

What to do instead:

• Realize that you can’t know for sure what other people are thinking.

• When in doubt, assume the best: your tutor wants to see you succeed.

Fortune Telling

In this form of “magical thinking,” you make predictions about the future (usually negative). Like with mind reading, you do so with feelings, not facts.

Example:

“I am never going to reach fluency! I am going to speak broken Japanese forever.”

What to do instead:

• Understand that with enough steady, incremental progress, you will reach your goals.

• Focus on actions you can take now to influence outcomes.

6. Magnification & Minimization

Dr. Burns refers to the magnification and minimization distortions as the “binocular trick” since this distortion either magnifies or shrinks an event depending on which side of the psychological binoculars you’re looking through. 

When thinking about your faults, you magnify, perceiving problems as much bigger and disastrous than they really are (a process psychologists call this “catastrophizing”). The result? Overwhelm, panic, and procrastination.

Example:

“Crap! I didn’t understand an important question my Japanese client asked me yesterday and made a total ass of myself. My reputation is ruined and nobody will ever work with me again!”

When thinking about your strengths, you look through the opposite end of the binoculars and see things as much smaller and less significant than they they really are.

What to do instead:

• Ask yourself, “What’s the worst that could realistically happen?”

• Assess your progress like you would if you were your own coach.

7. Emotional Reasoning

The “emotional reasoning” distortion conflates feelings with facts. It can be particularly insidious because our thoughts directly influence our feelings, and vice versa. Once stuck in a negative loop, it can be hard to see reality objectively and work one’s way out of bouts of depression or anxiety. Moreover, many of us have been taught to “honor our feelings” and “listen to our intuition,” seeing feelings as a direct conduit to “Truth,” “God,” etc. 

While there can be great power in intuition (i.e. the subconscious often solves problems and sees patterns before the conscious mind does), it is all too easy to mistake faulty feelings for honest insights.

Example:

“I feel like I’m a bad language learner, so I must be a bad learner.”

“I’m not in the mood to study Japanese. So I might as well just lie in bed.”

One of the most common products of emotional reasoning is procrastination. We feel that a task (e.g. speaking with a tutor on italki) will be extremely difficult and painful, so we put it off and put it off, even if we know it will be good for us.

What to do instead:

• Remind yourself: feelings are not instructions.

• Start small—action often creates the motivation you thought you needed to begin.

8. Should Statements

The little words “should,” “must,” and “have to” can wreak all sorts of havoc on our productivity and mood. When we tell ourselves, “I should study more” or “I must finish this book,” we often subconsciously resist completing the tasks.

We assume that these “shoulds” will motivate us to take action. In practice, however, they usually lead to apathy and procrastination instead. Nobody likes feeling pressured, even from their own mind!

Psychologists and cognitive therapists have come up with some wonderful puns around this distortion:

• Dr. Burns calls this “the shouldy approach to life.” 🤭

• Albert Ellis, one of the founders of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, calls this distortion “musturbation!” 😂

• I’ve heard that one therapist tells her patients, “I’d prefer if you didn’t should all over my couch.” 🤣

What to do instead:

• Replace “should” with “I want to” or “I get to.”

• Example: “I should study Japanese” → “I want to study.”

9. Labeling & Mislabeling

You can see the “labeling” cognitive distortion weaved throughout many of the others. Anytime you say to yourself, “I’m a . . .” followed by a negative noun or adjective, you are engaging in labeling.

Examples:

“I’m a bad language learner.”

“My Japanese sucks.”

“I’m such an idiot.”

What to do instead:

• Swap “I am” for action verbs.

• Example: “I am such an idiot.” → “I made a mistake.”

10. Personalization

Last but not least is “personalization,” the cognitive distortion that lies at the root of most guilt, shame, and self-blame. When under its sway, we take responsibility for the actions of others and events outside of our control. Like the Greek story of Atlas, we try to bear the weight of the entire world on our shoulders, and then beat ourselves up when we drop the globe.

What to do instead:

• Focus only on what you can control. (See my post How to Master Your Mindset & Navigate the 3 “Circles of Control”)

• Remember that can rarely control what happens in the universe, but you can always choose how you respond.

As the Greek Stoic philosopher Epictetus (Ἐπίκτητος) said:

“Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. It is only after you have faced up to this fundamental rule and learned to distinguish between what you can and can’t control that inner tranquility and outer effectiveness become possible.”

A Simple Exercise to Rewire Your Thinking

Here is a simple but effective way to identify and neutralize cognitive distortions with nothing more than a pen and a piece of paper.

1. Draw two lines down a page to make three columns.

2. Label them: Automatic Thought, Distortion, Rational Response.

3. Write each negative thought in column one.

4. Identify the distortion in column two.

5. In column three, write your most convincing counter-argument—as if you were your own top-tier defense lawyer.

Repeat often. Over time, your brain will start doing this automatically—and the distortions won’t stand a chance.